Dial R for Revenge or M for Move on
I'm really exhausted. I havent been eating or sleeping well and I've lost some weight. All in all, I'm a deplorable sight. I know that this is something everyone goes through but does it really make a difference to know that someone else is feeling the same shit you are feeling somewhere else? I guess solidarity (knowing that you are not alone) may sometimes alleviate the pain and hurt one is feeling. But sometimes I can't help but feel resentful since my hurt, my pain, seems trivalised somehow.
It's times like these you know who your real friends are. Of course you can't expect them to drop everything and pull you out of this but it's nice to know that if they can, they probably will. I'd like to think I'm on the road to recovery (how bloody long does it take anyway?) since I was plotting a scheme just yesterday and was so swept away with the possibility that once again I'm back in control of my own life that I was almost beside myself.
Thank goodness, I had the semblance of mind not to trust myself in situations like these and I defered my elaborate scheme and consulted friends. On hindsight (I slept on it) and a long-distance call from Leicester (thanks, michelle), I am so grateful that I didnt go through with it. It involves mind games, something I'm never good at, since I have no virtue of patience whatsoever and usually find it hard not to lose my cool and blow it all to blazes anyway.
Thinking back, I think I know that, by playing mind games, I'm setting myself up to fall again. And I think it's because I need the anger (of failure) to help me move on. Without the anger, I feel lost because the hurt and pain can be overwhelming. It's not healthy of course.
Tomorrow is another day.
5 Comments:
don't think of what revenge will do to the other,...think what it will do to you
Nobody deserves the anger of failure in order to move on. Instead, embrace failure, feel at ease in knowing that failure leads to fulfilment. This because you are getting closer to the path you really need by treading and discarding the ones you do not. But you'll only find the right way by looking the ways you have gone before directly into the eyes, otherwise you're bound for history repeating.
My girlfriend had me realise this and I think she's right because I have always burnt my bridges behind me, not looking back. And by doing that, I've been blind towards making the same mistakes all over again. I've come to accept that my past is also my present, just slightly altered, in a wiser way I guess. In that way, my future doesn't have to involve me getting hurt once more just because it's the easy way out in terms of finding "fuel" for your life. Fuel is good, but without a strong motor you won't make it far.
Tread carefully, and best of luck. You deserve it! (^_^)
(Did this make any sense at all?)
Massimo: You make so much sense! I didn't think of it from this angle before. A friend has just dragged me out today and I was ill at ease the whole time, feeling self-conscious for some reason. I've been going straight home everyday after work because I feel so safe there. But now, after what you said, I should indeed learn to look at failure in the eye, for I don't regret anything that I've done.
I tried thinking of it as just another chapter in my life that needs to be closed so that I can move on. It helped for a while, but you know how these things are.. you rationalise it out and everything is cool for a while, and then you forget all the reasonings you and your friends tell you and the hurt just takes over. I must try and not let that happen, but it's hard.
Mike: Thanks for the advice. :)
Everyone seems to make sense except me!
everyone can dish out expert advice when it comes to other people's lives
;-)
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