The World is a Noisy Place
Yesterday has got to be one of the worst days of my life. Frankly speaking, I am surprised to be still in one piece. In the morning, I had a run-in with one of the rudest people I have ever met. He just literally pushed me out of his way and it threatened to turn ugly when I pushed back. There were a few "what the fuck"s exchanged but we went on our ways.
Throughout the day, there was this overwhelming realisation that I am still not okay despite surviving 2 weeks after the breakup. Work was piling up and I was ready to scream from all the stress. I'm almost embarrassed to recall it now but I was breaking down in toilet quite a bit yesterday.
And to make matters worse, my fucking ipod ran out of battery and died on me on my way home. Ok, this is not funny to someone whose entire plan to tune out from the world relied on that white box. I pleaded with it, asking all the gods to help me out and make my ipod last for just 1 more stupid hour, just until I reach home, but no one was listening. It was horrible!
On the bus, I had to sit beside this guy whose clothes were not aired properly and it stank like HELL. I almost puked, I tell you. There was a horrible start-stop traffic jam which made my head spin and there's this stupid couple in front of me trying to gossip after their office mates despite having NO chemistry what-so-fucking-ever.... etc. etc. etc.
Having been used to tuning out from the world on commutes, I had no fucking idea that the world is such a goddamn noisy place. GOD!
The Sound of Music
It's amazing what music can do to lift your spirits. I made the mistake of listening to Death Cab for the whole of last week and finally the cocktail of an inadvertently shuffled playlist (Coldplay's The Scientist, followed by Radiohead's Let Down and True Love Waits) finally did me in and I cried like a baby on the train. This made me so worried that I resort to listening to postrock tracks like Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky and Godspeed. My mood wasn't much helped by this, though I didnt break down upon listening to some sad bastard emo songs, I was still quite down.
Today, I thought ah fuck it, I have to listen to something else before this whole sad bastard emo do me in. I compiled a killer fuck-it-all punk playlist with songs of a more upbeat nature. And I must say, even I doubt if it could work, I do feel much better. I rediscovered some old bands that I thought I'd outgrown. I'm particularly interested in The Weakerthans. They have a nice way of putting things.
I may be just deceiving myself with all these, but I intend to "fake it till I make it." Wish me luck. And if you have any suggestions on music, let me know. I'd appreciate it very much. Hell, if you have any suggestions on how to distract myself, I'd like that too.
Dial R for Revenge or M for Move on
I'm really exhausted. I havent been eating or sleeping well and I've lost some weight. All in all, I'm a deplorable sight. I know that this is something everyone goes through but does it really make a difference to know that someone else is feeling the same shit you are feeling somewhere else? I guess solidarity (knowing that you are not alone) may sometimes alleviate the pain and hurt one is feeling. But sometimes I can't help but feel resentful since my hurt, my pain, seems trivalised somehow.
It's times like these you know who your real friends are. Of course you can't expect them to drop everything and pull you out of this but it's nice to know that if they can, they probably will. I'd like to think I'm on the road to recovery (how bloody long does it take anyway?) since I was plotting a scheme just yesterday and was so swept away with the possibility that once again I'm back in control of my own life that I was almost beside myself.
Thank goodness, I had the semblance of mind not to trust myself in situations like these and I defered my elaborate scheme and consulted friends. On hindsight (I slept on it) and a long-distance call from Leicester (thanks, michelle), I am so grateful that I didnt go through with it. It involves mind games, something I'm never good at, since I have no virtue of patience whatsoever and usually find it hard not to lose my cool and blow it all to blazes anyway.
Thinking back, I think I know that, by playing mind games, I'm setting myself up to fall again. And I think it's because I need the anger (of failure) to help me move on. Without the anger, I feel lost because the hurt and pain can be overwhelming. It's not healthy of course.
Tomorrow is another day.
Desiderata of Happiness
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Angry Bastard Mood
You know all that bs about being friends after a breakup? It's all bs. I've given him too much credit for the past year and now it came back and bite me in the arse. I hate it when stories and reasons don't match up. He fed me a crock of shit and told his friends another. Does he really think he can get away with that? His friends are my friends too, bloody hell.
I'm so angry now that my chest feels as if it's going to explode.
Bloody fucking hell.
Save me from myself
It's looking dark outside and about to rain for sure. Strange in this time of the year. The world is going bonkers and so am I. I'm trying really hard to not think too much and let go whatever needs to be gone from my life. I guess there are some things that cannot be held on to and that is a fact of life.
But the very thing that is most hurtful will actually be the most beneficial to the healing process, and that is time. Time. Since time is relative, I suppose if I change my mindset about things, I will get on top of it.
Reading the news about Paul Hamm's
miraculous turn from failure to winner in just about the most stressful of situations make me realise that no matter how trite and cliche it may sound, I am really stronger than i think I am. And I think I'm setting out to find out exactly how much.
Hardship, loss, pain, and embarrassment are not necessarily the thieves they seem to be if a person can learn from them and grow stronger.
At the heart of this life exercise is the ability to know oneself and to let neither inflated expectations nor disappointment obscure that connection to the core.
Yes. You've guessed right. It's another failed relationship for me.