It's been a nice day today. It rained and was really cooling. But I feel hungry now that I only had some porridge for dinner. We would probably have some supper tonight. I haven't had much human contact today, cos all I have been doing is read a little and also sleep alot. It's disgusting. I got to thinking about life in maybe another country, like the jet program teaching thing. I was wondering how I would get used to life in another culture and everything. The big picture is alright, but it's the details that got me a little worried. I mean, how do I go shopping in the supermarket?? Food is a major problem cos although I'm not fussy, there are certain things I prefer to fish everyday. Or how about TV? I'm going to miss so many programs! Like "
alias," "
Ed," and "
Gilmore Girls."
But one can only do so much "couch" thinking and stuff.. given the chance, I'd still probably go for it I guess. Damn, I dont even know whether they would want me. I'd be dead if they require psychological tests or something like that. I'll probably fail all of them! The only thing they would end up knowing is:
 |
Well, you're a slacker. Your greatest joy in life is sleeping, and you try to avoid doing work as much as possible. Others are envious of your talent for skating through life doing only half as much real, actual work as everyone else. You're an expert at talking teachers or bosses out of reprimanding you for your apparent lack of effort. On the upside, you won't have to worry about things like repetitive stress disorder or high blood pressure. Your life expectancy is probably pretty high due to this, not that you'll actually accomplish anything, you damn leech.
|
Be cool! Take the What Do You Want Out Of Life? Quiz
I've been trying to figure how to fully utilise the empty left-hand column in the blog. Apparently, I've got it narrowed down to something about a (tr) tag or something like that: the problem is that I dont know where to stick it [preferably up someone's arse cos I'm really getting pissed at this html shite]. I've been reading the new help system but it didnt seem to help much. And trying to figure it out by going through someone else's blog seems a little intrusive, though I know they are probably there to be read anyway. It's weird going through a stranger's blog. I try to imagine what kind of person s/he is by going through the design, layout, colours, font (and even font size!).. it's just so easy to pigeon-hole someone but if someone tries to do the same to me, I'd probably get pissed.. and if the person actually hits the nail on the head, I think I'll be quite upset. Imagine laying out your life for everyone to see, judge and then tossed aside!
It actually rained! The wind is in my hair right now cos I'm sitting right beside the window. The wind chimes are ringing and it's a nice sound. The weather is georgeous! Everything looks dim, as though seen through a tinted pair of sunglasses. It's almost surreal. Becos the sky is darkening, the shape of the building seems especially sharp and contrasted, which is nice. Wow! I can't believe it's finally raining! I woke up about 2 hours ago; but in honour of the oncoming rain, I think I will retire back to bed again. This is simply heavenly. If only everyday is like this. But I should be careful about saying that sort of thing, cos if it's like this everyday, I'd properly not appreciate it as much as if it has been blazing like crazy like the whole of last week. Hmmm. Food for thought.
The war is ON. I woke up with the full force of the bloody sun in my face! It was supposed to rain! The weather tricked me! Jeannie says that I can't make a pact like this and expect to win. I did not even see a goddamn cloud today at all. This is horrible. I tried to "utilise" my time properly by reading but the weather was so inconducive that I fell asleep after a while. And woke up at almost 7 I think. Time sure goes by in a flash when your brain is fried. Space-Time sure doesn't feel the same when its shit weather. But what can I do? The weather is just a big bully with no sympathies for the brain-fried. The war is ON but I don't know what I can do. I was thinking maybe the weather is taking revenge for the animals and plants that we have directly or indirectly destroyed over the years. Sigh. But I'm really HOT! It's almost 1.30 in the morning but I really wanted to finish the Myth of Sisyphus. I'm reading the chapter about death and absurdity and it's very interesting how Camus works his entire premise of death, suicide and murder on the wispy notion of hope. Hmmm.
I know that I must be going mad when I woke up this morning, attempting to make a deal with the weather. You see, it was pouring this morning, and it was extremely hard for me to get out of bed. I kept on smashing the snooze button on my alarm clock. And the rain just went on.. I remembered something like: ok, if I get up right now, you have to promise me that you have to rain like this tomorrow morning cos I'm off, ok? You promise? You sure?" I didn't grasp this immediately when I was actually saying it but when the full gravity of the incident hits me in the shower, I was quite worried for my mental health. But then I figured that I'm probably getting old. I went out with Si after work and we had some fun just bitching and ranting. But I met my ex-bf at a food court. So unlucky! He must have cursed me cos almost everything went wrong for me today. No wonder my eye is twitching non-stop the whole day. I must remind myself to buy lottery tomorrow. 2105. haha. The fucker!
It's almost 2 in the morning, and since I'm getting old, and my body is not what it was before, I should probably get some sleep. I had better wake up to the sound of rain falling or I'm waging bloody war against the weather.
The weather is getting unbearable. I have showered like 3 times already today and I still feel like going for another one. It's disgusting because it sticks to your skin like an invisible film of gross.. eeww. As I type, I feel it creep all over my body.
I think I may just die from the heat. It makes me actually want to go to work, just so that I won't kill myself over the heat. Nothing much happened today. Just overworked and under-appreciated as per normal. No biggie.
The whole world has watched Star Wars Ep. 2! Every single one seemed to have booked tickets like 2 weeks before or something. They are really selling like hot cakes.
Michelle told me that a fren of her fren actually bought 50 tickets to the show!! Imagine watching a show with ALL your friends in the same theatre! I don't think I have 50 friends at all. My phone certainly does not have 50 numbers.. The logistics and planning required is just mind-boggling. I mean, your 50 friends have to like Star Wars for example, or at least not grossly adverse to it. The second thing is to call everyone and set up the date to watch it together. Then you'll have to wait for replies and confirmations. I think this feat by far surpasses even the special effects of SW2. Amazing!
I got a package from Canada today. It is a book that I bid for on ebay long ago! I think it might have been almost 3 months or something like that. I had totally forgotten about it. It was certainly a really nice surprise, even though I had already paid for it. The seller (Christine Neveau, thanks!) is really very thoughtful and she wrapped the book in paper, then in bubble-wrap, then in a used frozen lasagna box for extra protection. It fits like a glove. I think that is really very innovative of her.
I spent about 15 minutes on the lasagna box. As it is made in Canada, there are both English and French descriptions and instructions--the usual frozen dinner stuff. I thought that is a great attempt to "learn" more French. Most of the stuff is obvious if you have a context to work around (here its the whole frozen dinner rhetoric--not too tough I would imagine) and there is English too. It was fascinating. I felt like today, someone dropped me a physical sign to remind me that the world is still out there, waiting to be discovered. I spent the afternoon thinking about "what ifs" which is really not the most practical thing to do, but it was hot and humid and there are nothing much anyone else can do.
I just saw a cockroach! It's the really scary kind that flies around so fast that you can't take a swing at it with your rolled up newspapers. Oh it just flew inside my brother's room. Oh well. So long it doesn't come out, I'm ok with that.
I was trying to fix up my website, and I'm convinced that colour schemes are one of those things that you are either good at it or you are not. And you will know it both immediately and intuitively. I belong to the latter. It's disgusting trying to match colours. I was trying to change the colour of the scrollbars for every one of the page, and I almost pulled my hair out. I decided to fuck it. Who the hell notices the fucking scroll bar anyway! I wonder how geeks do it. Do they have a instinctive sense of colour? They can't ALL have it, can they? I decided that it's either they've got it, or they've got too much time and they finally try every goddamn colour in the universe against every other (I'm sure that they can calculate the permutations crap just like that!) to get the match. I give up!
I had a weird dream last night about birds flying everywhere.. wonder what that means. It seems that nothing much is happening in my life and that I have to gripe about the weather, the people around me just so I have something to post in my blog. That is so sad. On a completely random note, I think I'm getting better at playing chess. I'm not as impatient as ever and I'm learning to see from the other person's point of view. All these uncertainities translate to possibilities and I guess that is what I like about chess. But it is nonetheless a goddamn tiring game, especially if its 3 in the morning and you are struggling to figure out your opponent's move. Thinking back about the idea of history, I figured that history is also very tied up with the problem of language, for language may seem to be the tool with which we shape history, it is not all as innocent as that I think. Language shapes our perceptions of the world; it cannot be regarded as merely a tool at all. I learnt all these from critical reading class on Saussure. I learnt alot but I don't think it shows in my papers at all. haha. I remembered thinking that it was very probably the crappiest piece of shit that I have ever written in my entire life. I guess the results will just show how crappy that really was. Someone once told me that a teacher once set an examination question on the topic "guts." Everyone in the class struggled but they did not do as well as this guy who apparently did not even finish the paper and had even left the examination hall very early. They want to know what he wrote as he's got an A for it. He has written the following sentence :"This takes GUTS." The rest of the paper is blank.
I'm getting interested in the idea of history. History as story-telling, history as a point of view, history as propaganda. Hmm. Very suspicious. Who determines History? I learnt in class that history is only history when it is embedded in a power struggle that is more or less collective (at least that's how I remember it). This is scary isnt it? I decided to read more about "historical events" during the holidays and spent a while looking at the General World History section in the bookstore. I think the very fact that there are so many books about 1 single period in history proved my point. It was really over my head, especially when I don't have any specifics to start with. The only contact I have with History is in secondary school where we had to memorise dates and shite like that and then after the exams, they just go right through the window. There are only so much rubbish one can download without going mad.
Well. I guess I have to continue searching through the stupid shelves in the hope that something will catch my eye in this bloody lifetime.
It's been a rather long day for me today, which probably explains why I'm so tired and sick of it all. It doesn't help that the weather is so bad today. It's really really hot outside and it's really cold in the office, which is really weird. I walk out to buy some juice and I'm like, wham! into a wave of hot air. I'm serious. The hot wave just whoosh and sticks ALL over you. It was really disgusting. I can really go on about it but I realised that its over anyways. The weather is not going to change just becos I bitched and whined about it.
I was thinking about how one's physical size really matters in his/her thinking. I mean. If you are big and strong, you tend to go through life in a certain frame or set of mind, than someone like me who is puny and short (and fat), who then probably have another set of rules of some kind. I wouldn't know for sure becos I have never been big before; and someone big has never shrunk to a small 5 feet thing before. I was just thinking that there has to have some kind of difference. That's all I'm saying. Actually I dont really care either.
I envy people who can wake up early so their day will seem longer somehow. I made a pact with myself that i will drag myself out of bed earlier today to go swimming. But of cos no such luck. The alarm clock goes off, I take a swig at it, and I sleep on till about 2. Disgusting! At first I thought that staying at home 3 days a week (I'm only working 4 days) will drive me mad, but I'm beginning to adjust. I have time to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But more often than not, I'm probably not doing anything at all. haha.
I have grand plans for the holidays: I want to read everything I can, mostly to learn new things. And I am already on the way! Learning to put this website together has forced me to be more open-minded about things, to be resourceful and everything. But the bad side is that I'm begining to resemble a hermit of sorts. Because I'm a part-timer, I don't have much income to go out alot, so I stay at home most of the time. There are times when the house is simply not big enough for me and my parents (who are retired and stay at home anyways). sigh. The good and the bad I guess!
Nothing much happened today. I woke up really late and I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's almost 4:30 in the afternoon and I don't have any things that I have to do today, which makes me feel strangely unaccomplished. I feel like I'm tweedling my thumbs waiting for something to happen.. but no such luck I guess.
I am fiddling around with the idea that man is always trying to find a new project to pursue. I was reading this book that Michelle "inspired" me to get: Hyperspace by Michio Kaku. I think basically it's a history of physics from Newton to the Superstring Theory. It's really cool; a light read that is not light-weight. But you realise that history (for physics at least I guess) spins off similar scenarios that always paint someone trying to chase after the "impossible." For example, Einstein spent the last 30 years of his life, desparately searching for the "Theory of Everything." Now, physicists seem to have come up with the best contender for that title and that is the "Superstring Theory." I don't think I understand the physics part of it but I think Kaku is very helpful in dishing out analogies to help us common layman to visualise exactly what the project of physics is. I feel a little threatened when I read the book because I realise that physics' quest for the "Theory of Everything" is perhaps an elegant form of reduction. What I mean is that Physics seem to want to fit everything in the world into a model. But what will we do AFTER that? is something that I really want to know. Do we go on with our lives as before? Or will the world be a place where "all would be silent and still and each thing in its last place, under tha last dust?" (Beckett,
Endgame
). Of course what I think that means is that the world will just be dead, without consciousness. Maybe not physically but certainly metaphorically, not unlike the horrible mechanic universe painted by Dostoevsky in
Notes from Underground
.
I was thinking about the whole "game plan" of life. It occured to me when I was going to work this morning that life is a computer game. The "characters" in the game do not know that they are in a game, of course (think The Sims). We are all programmed to be a certain way; I guess that's where stereotypes come from. It is an extremely boring game because like The Sims, you have to sort of wait for things to happen to your Sims, like a promotion, or a fire or some shite like that. There is perhaps a parallel universe out there with lots of "players" and there can only be a handful of the actual programmers who know everything there is about the game.
I guess that sounds really fatalistic and we really shouldn't talk like this because there is nothing we can
do
anyway.
But what we can do is maybe *win* some sort of key/right to pass GO so as to maybe get on to the next level; to see what is in store for us "on the other side."
Went back to work today. My desk is as messy as ever.. sigh. Nothing much changed. I was shamelessly trying to "promote" my new website to everyone at work today and I was doing it till I couldn't recall the URL! How dumb is that! My memory is like a sieve! It is selective and I was just wondering whether it is my subconscious or my unconscious that is filtering and making the selections?
It just came to me that maybe I should put up a section on the website for some short reviews of books that I have been reading or am reading right now.. hmm.. make mental note.
I have just finished all my papers, and boy, am I relieved! I can't say that they have gone brilliantly but I'm just aiming for a B/B+ average, so if God is reading this, please help! I doubt I could make it though, but what the hell. No harm wishing for something right?
The weather is really getting weird these few days. I mean, it rains one minute and the next, the sun is shining like it's the last day of the earth, you know what I mean? I could really get sick like this. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and it's really grossing me out. I hate it. But I need the money.. who doesn't?
